Caregiving for Aging Parents

Last week Cheryl Richardson posted this newsletter on taking care of yourself when taking care of aging parents.  As more and more of us baby boomers have to step into that roll this is good advise.  I felt it was worthwhile passing on!  I know I went through many of these emotions and challenges when going through my stepmother's illness two years ago.

Aging Parents - Keeping the Love Alive by Cheryl Richardson

In the past three weeks I've had numerous conversations with people who are taking care of aging parents. Just this morning I spoke with a friend who's been in and out of assisted living facilities, doctor's offices, and hospitals more times than he can count. Having been a fulltime caregiver for more than three years when my husband Michael was sick, I know how complicated and overwhelming it can be. And my heart goes out to you if you're dealing with this situation now.

Becoming a caregiver to a parent is something most of us will experience at some point, and learning how to do it with good self-care in place, can help keep the love alive. While I know each situation is unique, here are a few suggestions that might help:

1) Get ongoing emotional support. As you go through the process of providing care to a parent, you will need a safe place to talk about how you feel. You will need to vent. You will need to grieve. You will need to know that someone out there cares about you and wants to know what's going on. This person should know how to listen well, how to hold back advice when it's not appropriate to give it, and how to be present with uncomfortable feelings so you're free to be real and honest.

2) Find a "resource advocate." It can be incredibly helpful to have someone in your life who's able to conduct research. You may have to locate specialized medical care, get help with insurance forms, check into living facilities, or find a good doctor. Delegating these activities can help ease your burden and it can be a wonderful way to allow someone who cares about you to help when he or she feels helpless. While taking care of Michael and managing our lives, I swear I lost brain cells, my memory, and a whole lot of patience. Sharing the burden of information gathering made life so much easier.

3) Don't take bad behavior personally. If your parent is difficult, negative, or irritable, it's probably because they're afraid. After all, they're going through their own challenging life changes. Keep in mind that we all tend to regress into protective behaviors when under stress. Some people go into denial and lose themselves in mindless activities. Others get irritable and end up being impatient or brusque in their communication. Some complain nonstop about every little thing. Try to remember that it's not about you. It's about the tough situation.

3) Allow yourself to experience all of your feelings - even the "inappropriate" ones. There will be times when you experience thoughts and feelings that make you feel guilty. You might be so emotionally overwhelmed by the roller coaster ride that comes with the end of life process, for example, that you find yourself wishing your loved one would pass so the craziness will stop. Please remember that your feelings are just feelings - normal responses to dealing with new and complicated circumstances.. If you respect and honor these thoughts and feelings (and share them with someone safe), you'll move through them with greater ease and clarity. And you'll be a better caregiver for your parent.

4) Be willing to have "courageous conversations." Most of us don't talk about death or end of life issues; let alone say what we need to say to feel at peace with one another. It's too scary, painful, or uncomfortable to step near those lines. And it's not always well received. The funny thing is that bringing consciousness - intentional, open conversation - to the topic can reduce fear and open our hearts. When we shine a light into the darkness, things get a little brighter. Be brave enough to initiate a conversation about end of life issues and see what happens. Tread gently and respectfully. You might be surprised to learn that your parent has been thinking about things like estate planning or what will happen to special items once they're gone, and your courage has now opened the door for further conversation.

5) Finally, be gentle with yourself. Caring for an aging parent is such a complex, multi-faceted issue for both the caregiver and receiver. We learn as we go.  If you're currently caring for an aging parent, I hope some of these suggestions help you this week. If you're not, please print this newsletter and keep it handy for future use. You or someone you love just may need it...

Life Makeover For The Year 2010 (sm) is written and produced by Cheryl Richardson. If you have any questions or comments, or for reprint permission of this newsletter, please email: cheryl@cherylrichardson.com. © Copyright 1999-2010. Cheryl Richardson, P.O. Box 13, Newburyport, MA 01950. All rights reserved.

Let Us Give Thanks

November is the month for giving thanks for all the good things that we have in our lives.  Everywhere I look lately I see the word gratitude popping out at me.  It's easy to get mired down in everything that is wrong with our lives and forget all the good things that come our way.

Recently I have had several blessings come my way.  I received another free session of my diet from a woman at my doctors office and have now lost a total of 35 pounds!  That was totally unexpected and wonderful!  I had dinner with a friend and another one with my father at nice restaurants and had a great time both nights.  I received a gift card to a restaurant as a thank you from my boss for all my hard work.  That was a shock!  But a very nice one.    I have had unexpected blessings from my sister and daughter at a time when I felt really low and unsure of life.  I've started receiving boxes of gifts from Dr Pat Bacilli as part of the Holistic Makeover contest and that has been very fun and exciting.  And each time one of these blessings happens I marvel at the goodness and love in others and how grateful it makes me feel.

I have been listening to my tapes on the Law of Attraction by Abraham-Hicks.  Abraham talks about how lack creates lack and abundance creates abundance.  When you focus on lack then that is what you are going to attract.  If you focus on ill health then that is what you will attract. The best thing to do is focus on good things in your life and you will attract more of the same.  Focus on good health, joy, prosperity, happiness.  It multiplies when that is where your mind is set and that is what you are grateful for.

A few tips I have learned recently from articles I have read on gratitude and giving thanks:

1) Enlist a friend.  If you start to get down or focus on lack, reach out to a friend and share good times with them.  Email them with things you are thankful for.  Putting your thoughts into words makes them more real.  Ask them to email you with their thoughts and what they are also thankful for.  Sharing these gifts is a joy in itself.

2) Make a list of your bad times.  Realize that you have come through all of them.  Probably with flying colors and are better off for them having happened.  Even the worst of times can have positive outcomes in the most unexpected ways.  You never know what is around the next corner to bring you more joy than you have ever expected or could believe would happen.

3) Imagine your life without blessings.  What would your life be without the love of your family and friends.  Imagine not living the life we have in the United States that we all take for granted.  Be thankful for things could be so much worse if you didn't have that support system.  Small things like a warm bed at night, food to eat, pets to care for with their unconditional love for you.  If those things disappeared tomorrow how would you feel?

4) When you find yourself focusing on the negative reach out to someone.  Helping others is one of the best ways to help yourself.  It takes the focus off of you and everything you perceive is wrong with your life and puts your energy into something positive.  Positive attracts positive.  Abundance attracts abundance.

I'm thankful that October is done.  I'm thankful for a loving family and blessed to have the friends I do.  I'm thankful for a good job.  I'm thankful that I can pay my bills.  I'm thankful I'm on the road to a healthy, thin body.  I'm thankful to have won the Holistic Makeover contest.  I'm thankful for my cats.  I'm thankful for my joylicious life.  Blessings to all of you too~

One Hour Miracle

I received a note today from Bonnie McFarland who writes a website called Savouring Your Sixties, www.savoringyoursixties.com. She writes about women who are approaching or are in their sixties and beyond and she shares her insight on how to light up your life.  The article today was how to take a brief moment or hour to yourself in a time of sorrow and grief and re-energize and recharge your soul.  I thought it was worth sharing.  Joylicious!

The One-Hour Miracle

Hours after my brother called to say Mom had died, I was on a red-eye flight traveling across the country. The days that followed were filled with grief, seemingly endless tasks to prepare for mom's funeral, family dynamics, stress, and many nights of too little sleep.

Of course, it wasn't all bad. There was love and laughter and reminiscing and being with people I love. And still as the week went on, I was beyond exhausted.

Somewhere in the midst of this my dear sister and I decided to get pedicures. We would both be wearing sandals for the funeral and, frivolous as it might sound, we thought we needed freshly painted toes.

Of course, there wasn't really time to do this. We had so many other things to get done. (It's amazing how much there is to do when someone dies!)

But we decided to do it anyway. So my sister, Vicki, my sister-in-law, Diane, and I went in search of a pedicure. Someone was watching out for us because we found a place where we could all get pedicures at the same time without having appointments.

Plus this little day spa also happened to have those fancy massage chairs that can work you from head to toe -- while you're getting your pedicure!

For one delicious and delightful hour, it was as though life was normal again. For that hour, we were no longer bereaved mourners; we were just three women relaxing, chatting, and allowing ourselves to be pampered. Afterwards, we each had lovely, bright, shiny polish on our toes.

But what mattered more was how much restoration we got from that one hour. That was the miracle!

Weeks later, I'm still astonished when I recall how much difference that hour made for me. I reconnected with the place of calm, quiet, and peace in me. I became refreshed and restored. I regained enough strength and energy to allow me to do what needed to be done the rest of the week. All that from one hour. Amazing!

I know a little bit of time -- spent in an energizing, enlivening, lights-on way -- can make a huge difference in our lives. And this experience was a powerful reminder of that.


Copyright Bonnie McFarland 2010 All Rights Reserved" www.SavoringYourSixties.com.

It's About Gratitude

I'm back!  Just wanted to thank everyone for the well wishes I received during my recent bout with the flu.  It's so nice to have people worry about you!

During my down time I reflected quite a bit on my life and current situations.  It's so easy when I'm not feeling well for me to fall into a depression.  I start to stress over the smallest things and dwell on misfortunes and "lack of" instead of counting my blessings. I worry about bills, work, relationships, my car, my cats, my dad, my daughter.  Instead I should be focusing on getting better and thinking good thoughts.

I've always been of the opinion that your thoughts create your reality.  I try to stay positive and focused.  I try to visualize myself happy, healthy and wealthy.  I try to be a good person and avoid negative thoughts.  I try to not worry.  But I need to stop trying and just be.  I need to put myself in God's hands and let him do the work and the worrying and just be grateful for my joylicious life.

A good friend gave me some advise the other day to help me get well.  I think it works in many situations and wanted to pass it on to you.  It was such a sweet affirmation of the goodness of people and life.

-Rest as much as you can and put in your mind the thought of gratitude for being healthy (even though you are not at the moment) but that thought will send a command to the rest of your body to heal itself.
- Eat some chicken soup (home made).
- Drink hot lemon tea with honey.
- And watch some funny movies or pictures to make you laugh and boost your immune system.
I hope you feel better soon!

So let's try and put our mind in the thought of gratitude.  Not just for being healthy but being happy and joylicious too!  Life is wonderful!

Waves of Grief

 My dad and I recently attended a grief support group at Swedish Hospital/Edmonds (formerly Stevens Hospital).  We were given a handout titled The Waves of Grief.  I thought it was really good and wanted to share it with you.  I think personally I am in the last stage but as it states grief does come in waves and sometimes I notice myself going back a few stages before coming out stronger as I move forward again.

The Waves of Grief – Swedish/Edmonds Bereavement Program

The concept of the “waves” of grief may be helpful to you as you begin to make sense of your reactions following the death of your loved one.  Often this time may seem to lack purpose and direction.  With the goals of healing and rediscovering meaning in life, the following may be useful to you.

Coming to terms with the reality of your loss.  The saying, “the only way out is through” is true of grief.  The more you allow yourself to go through the myriad of emotions, the more you will move toward healing.  Be gentle with yourself, allow yourself to cry, laugh, rest when you can get regular exercise, eat nourishing food, and care for your spiritual self.  And remember to BREATHE deeply as much as possible.  These self-care activities are important now, and will remain important in the months ahead.  Continuing to seek the support of understanding people, while caring for yourself on all levels, can help you begin to realize that you can recover the coping skills necessary to move forward in your life.

Learning what it means to live without your loved one.  Gradually you will find yourself learning to adjust to a world in which your loved one is no longer living.  The work ahead of you is to discover the place your loved one filled in your life, and to consider what tasks and roles may need to be assumed by you, or by others, and what changes may need to occur.  Of course, some aspects of his/her place in your life will never be assumed by another.  This is also the time to look at what it means to change your relationship with your loved one from a relationship of the present to a relationship of memory – in memory, he/she is always with you.

Beginning to develop a new identity, a new sense of yourself.  Here is where you may begin to discover what really matters and has meaning for you.  For many, this is a time of reprioritizing life activities, developing a deeper spirituality, and appreciating the preciousness of life.

This journey has no timetable.  You may experience any of these waves in your own unique way, and maybe at recurrent or concurrent times.  Anniversaries or future losses are often times when people feel they are going through the waves again.  Care lovingly, gently and patiently for yourself.  Remember to give yourself credit for each small step you take.  You are journeying toward healing.

Makes You Say Hmmmm....

I received this Note from the Universe the other day that read, "Simply put, the reason there are things you want that have not yet appeared in your life, is because you're just not used to thinking of yourself with them".  It got me to thinking... I have struggled with my weight since I was 21 years old and even had a complex about my weight before that.  I was never truly small or slim.  I've always been curvy no matter how large or small.  So I have a really hard time thinking of myself as a thin person.

They say that athletes should visualize themselves winning.  Crossing the finish line in first place.  Why can't I visualize myself as healthy and slim?  Or at least normal size?  Even when I lost 60 pounds 3 years ago, whenever I looked in the mirror I still saw a very fat person.  I remember one day I was shopping in a fabric store and as I was waiting to be checked out the cashier made some catty comment to me about a woman who was shopping.  She was overweight and the woman said something like, "a woman that size should never wear an outfit like that".  I turned to see who she was talking about and realized the woman was the size I visualized in my head that I looked like!  So I was surprised when it dawned on me that the cashier didn't view me that way.

I think it was the first time since I had lost the weight that I figured out I was truly smaller to the rest of the world.  Yes I had lost 3 dress sizes and yes I felt really good but I didn't think or see myself being that way.  I think it equates to people who are anorexic and never see themselves as that way either. So maybe what the Universe message to me was to start visualizing myself thin.  To day dream about the clothes I will be wearing and look at myself with clearer eyes and realize that I'm on the right road.  I've lost 27 pounds so far and my pants are starting to get baggy.  I need to adjust my thinking to accomodate that loss and realize it's a great one!  And it will only get better.  Joylicious!

Milestones

I hit a personal milestone this morning.  It's a loss I'm happy to report!  I have lost a total of 25 pounds on my diet!  I now weigh what I weighed a year ago before I started the nightmare rounds of hormones and bio-identicals that started some of my weight gain.  I am now looking forward to the next goal of another loss of 20 pounds.  That would make me joyliciously happy!!