Amazing Grace

My daughter was laid off from her position with a company that did a huge downsizing a little over two years ago. With the flagging economy and working at a company that owed millions in loans they had to learn to be a leaner, more efficient company.

At the time she was devastated. She was angry, resentful, and a little lost, as she had no idea what her next steps would be. She applied for jobs but the reality was that so many companies were downsizing that there weren’t many jobs to apply for. She was looking for Admin, PR, Marketing jobs and finding nothing. Even with a bachelor’s degree. And the jobs that were hiring weren’t paying anywhere near what she had previously earned.

She floundered around for approximately a year swimming in her resentment. And after much soul searching came to the realization that she really didn’t want to work in an office environment any longer. 10 years earlier in college she had always toyed with the idea of becoming a teacher. But had decided she enjoyed writing much more and so got her degree in journalism/public relations instead.

She made the brave decision to go back to school and get a degree in Early Elementary Education with the intent of getting her teaching certificate. She was excited about life again. She felt like she was on the right path and doing what she was meant to do.

Starting school again was a challenge. Things had changed in the academic world. Everything was online now. Lots of reading and emailing. She felt somewhat overwhelmed but took it all in stride as she knew she had found her calling.

During this time her grandmother, my stepmom, passed away. They had always been close so this hurt her very badly. Then bam, life came knocking again! Her fiancé decided three months before their wedding to call it off after 10 years together. Here she was living on student loans, working hard to change her life, and now she was going to do another 180-degree turn in a different path.

She moved to a new apartment, found a Para-educator job teaching kindergarten to supplement her income, and started a path to a new life. Yes, she was depressed. Yes, her life ended up so completely different from the map she had made for herself. But it’s funny about life. Just as things could have been at their lowest for her the best things happened. She had to open up space in her life for the new good things to come.

She started her new direction. Her new life. She is currently waiting to enter UW Bothell to continue her quest for her Post-Bach Certificate in Teaching. She has many options open to her in her future. A bright shiny new life. I admire her beyond words. She has a plan. She has a path. She understands that through suffering loss she found a greater joy. She has the whole world open to her and she has done it with grace and perseverance. I am so proud of my beautiful courageous daughter.  She is joyliciously my heart!

It's a White Wedding

I heard on the news the other day that it is the 5th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.  I can’t believe how time flies.

I had the pleasure of visiting New Orleans 3 years ago to attend my cousin’s wedding.  My aunt and I took the red-eye flight out on a Friday night and spent a whirlwind weekend site seeing, eating, and visiting with family in this gorgeous amazing city.  I have never visited a city that felt so vibrant.  It’s very nature assaults all of your senses like no other place I’ve ever been.  The smells of delicious food wafting from the restaurants or the flowers in the garden district.  The sights of the architecture, cemeteries, gardens, waterways, people.  Amazing.  And the sounds of the music coming from the clubs in the French Quarter or the different languages or accents spoken by both residents and visitors alike.

The wedding was amazing.  One of the prettiest and most interesting times that I’ve ever had at a wedding.  The guests were wonderful, the bride beautiful in her wedding dress, good food, good music.  It was so much fun.  Dancing and good times.

But outside of the home where the wedding was held there was an eerie feeling to the neighborhood.  It had been two years since the levy broke on that fateful day of August 28, 2005.  There were still watermarks on the sides of the buildings that showed how far the water had risen.  You could see where they had written body counts in chalk against the siding of the homes.  Stores were closed.  Street cars not running.  Abandoned homes everywhere.  FEMA trailers parked in front of decimated homes.  It was really sad.

The people we met spoke of their experiences during the weeks in the aftermath of the hurricane.  How come things were being rebuilt so slowly?  Where was all of the government aid and money that was supposed to be provided?  There was talk that Brad Pitt was filming a movie in the area and had put millions of his own money into revitalizing the 9th Ward.  But the frustration and anger at the disconnect between the action and help that was supposed to be and the reality of the rebuild was incredible.  I felt helpless and angry.

Something else I felt that weekend though was the energy and optimism of the residents of New Orleans.  Their ability to see past the decaying buildings and empty lots and to a future filled with possibilities.  They knew it would all work out ok.  That they would come back stronger than ever.  Be as beautiful of a city as ever.  And 5 years later a lot of things have changed.

Yet now the city is hit yet again with the huge BP oil spill.  They just can’t seem to get a break as they see their waters polluted with the sticky oily substance.  Their shrimp harvesting season a mess.  The fishermen losing millions of dollars and our ecosystem in disarray.   But I get the feeling that their indomitable spirit and hopeful optimism will prevail and that they will rebuild and renew once again.  For the city of New Orleans truly understands the term joylicious!  In every sense, smell, touch, and taste of the word.

Procrastination

Why is it that when we are feeling the most overwhelmed, frustrated, or scared, instead of tackling the problem head on we choose to shut down? I am overwhelmed at work. Hardly a minute to breathe I’m so busy. I come home and I have 2 new magazines in the mailbox (although one of them is Oprah’s and it’s her makeover edition so I’m excited about that) but it means lots of reading and I stick them on the pile of already waiting magazines. I have a part of last Sunday’s paper on the table with an article I’m really interested in closely reading as it pertains to big changes in my neighborhood. I have at least 5 books on my nightstand begging for attention including Geneen Roth’s new book on weight and God. Cats wanting to be fed, a blog to write, emails to answer, bills to pay, laundry, etc. and all I want to do is sit down and watch television. Or play computer games.

But even sitting down to watch the TV is stressing me out.  I just got a new dvr and I am already overwhelmed with the amount of shows I have waiting to watch as days go by and I don’t have time to even sit down and enjoy them. And I think to myself that all of these stressors are self-inflicted. I don’t really have to do any of these things. But I want to do all of them! I want to spend a week reading, writing, organizing, and just being still. But instead I just go, go, go.

As I write this I am looking out the window at the beautiful pink, purple and red sunset and thinking I should walk down to the river that is at the end of my driveway. Find some peace and solitude. Enjoy the tranquility of the warm night as the water lazily flows downstream. I take a deep breath and calm my mind and myself and I know everything will get done when it’s supposed to and not a minute sooner. There is peace in procrastination. Joylicious!

A Modern Day Psalm

My daughter sent me this from her church.  I love it!


A Modern Day Psalm by Rev. Kathianne Lewis


O Divine Spirit, wake me up to what is True, Eternal and Good.

Keep me steady while the world shifts and changes and rearranges itself.

Don't let me stumble or fall in any way.

Keep me cheerful when all those around me are pessimistic and whiney.

Let my Love and Joy lift them up and soothe their fears.

Keep me focused when the multitude of distractions cry out for me to partake of their pleasures.

Don't let me trade a short-term thrill for the long-term rewards of discipline and commitment.

Keep me positive about the future even though what makes it on the news is the latest crisis or example of human failings.

Let me be the one to share the Good news that all people are created by Goodness and together we can create beautiful solutions for what ails the world.

Keep me faithful to the highest truths I know, even when my doubts loom large.

Let the Faith within me grow and dissolve the last vestiges of disease, debt, distress, loneliness, poverty or ignorance within me.

Let the Light of my Faith ignite the Faith of others so that all can know:

God is the Ultimate Source of all Good things.

With these words my life is shaped.

Glory to God in All!


Blessings,

Rev. Kathianne Lewis
Center for Spiritual Living Seattle

My Own Private Summer

One word strikes fear into the hearts of middle-aged women everywhere. Menopause!

In my late 40’s I started forgetting people’s names or places I had been. It was, “you know, that lady with the red hair”… Or, “C’mon, we’ve been to that restaurant a million times, you know, the place with the fish tank in it”. My family would look at me like I was crazy because I had always had a mind like a steel trap. I started having insomnia around the age of 50. It developed into panic attacks and night sweats. Suddenly it was like an alien inhabited my body. Or that movie where the girl’s head spins around and the devil’s voice comes out of her. And I didn’t take any stuff from anyone anymore!

I had no idea who this woman was that I had become. One minute I would be laughing and the next minute so mad I could spit and the next minute crying. I tried to maintain a sense of calm and a sense of humor as I worked with almost 100 men at the time and it was, to say the least, not fun. Especially when they would try to be “helpful” and tell me all the stories of experiences they had with their wives going through “the change”. Embarrassing to hear and deal with at work to say the least! And it was also the first time I had ever been called the B word to my face at work. Not behind my back but actually to my face!

And suddenly I had a muffin top when I wasn’t wearing tight jeans! Where in the heck did my waist go? I had always been a large woman but had always had an hourglass figure. My girlfriends and I started calling the hot flashes “our own private summer”. Heater on, fan on, heater on, fan on, jacket on, sweater off, jacket on, sweater off, blankets on, blankets off, blankets on, blankets off. I was turning schizophrenic.

It was also hard because I lost my libido. I just didn’t care anymore. Part of it was probably due to being a caregiver and giving so much of myself that I had nothing left to give in the bedroom and part of it was probably depression due to the breakup of my relationship. But it was gone and I didn’t know where to find it! I tried some pills the doctor gave me and promptly put on 12 pounds of what she termed water weight. I term it, oh great not again!

But I made it through all the drama and uneasiness of the process and guess what? My libido came back, the hot flashes stopped, my moods evened out, and I can even sleep through most of the night and with most of the blankets!

But the best part of going through menopause was that I found a voice for myself. I didn’t care what people thought of me anymore. I felt more at ease with myself. I still don’t like the extra weight and have a plan to tackle that issue later this month. But I learned to speak up and defend my opinions and myself. And I’m hoping through this holistic makeover that I will be able to get stronger and verbalize even clearer my experiences and pass that message on to other women. It is actually a freeing experience! And with the right vitamins and taking care of yourself can be a relatively painless one too. I just hope you don’t work with lots of men!! By the way, they all survived too. One guy told me near the end of the experience, “Hey Kat, you’re on the downhill side!” I said, “Yes but on the uphill side of life”!! Joylicious!!~

To Write or Not To Write

I got up this morning with the intention of posting a blog that I had written yesterday about my ex. But after several conversations over the weekend regarding writing a blog and it being such a public forum I reread what I had written and just couldn't do it today.

Why is it that when we start to feel healthy or that we are on a path to happiness and well-being we start to doubt ourselves? We second-guess our decisions, statements, and actions? Even in my blog about my father I found myself editing what I had written and deleting several paragraphs. Deciding there were things I couldn't share so publicly. I know I need to purge my past to move forward into the future but is there a better way to do it?

I think all of us have good days and bad days. I'm already dreading today and this week at work and it's only 8am on Monday morning! With no managers during the day, an FMLA day with my father tomorrow, filling in for an assistant who is on vacation this week, and dealing with an executive who is very challenging, I'm already stressed and overwhelmed before I've begun. Deep breathing, stretching, meditating, letting the gold dust fall over the room. All techniques that have always worked for me. But today they don’t seem to be helping.

A comment was also made to me this weekend that the things I’ve shared on this blog aren’t normally things I talk about to anyone. Ever. So the fact I’m trying to be open and honest and really learn and grow from this experience and how uncomfortable I am today really tells me that something is happening.

I will plaster a smile on my face and greet the day and week as optimistically as possible. I will overcome the butterflies in my stomach. I am a strong, vibrant woman. As Louise Hay says, “Out of this situation only good will come”.

Everyone have a joylicious Monday! I know I will!

Fathers and Daughters

For the past year my sister and I have helped our father through a very difficult time in his life. First with the grief of losing his wife of 40 years and then with his health issues including spending an entire month in the hospital last year and almost dying. My sister takes him grocery shopping ever Friday and does his laundry and odd chores. I spend every Sunday with him mostly just cooking him dinner and completing any odd chores he doesn’t give to her. Both of us shuttle him to doctors’ appointments as needed. And it seems he needs a lot of them!

My relationship with my father hasn’t always been easy. He and my mother divorced when I was 12. Preteen is a very hard time in a young girl’s life. A time when she should be developing her first real relationship with a man that will shape her future relationships with partners. After he moved out it became even more difficult to bond with him than it had been when he lived with us. I pulled away and became shy and closed off around him. I always felt I could never live up to his high expectations and that I always fell short as a daughter and the eldest sibling.

When I was 15 he met and married my stepmother. They had a wonderful relationship and were each other’s best friends. They started a business together and were very successful. It made it even harder to bond with him as I felt like a 3rd wheel around them. They didn’t seem to need any of us. They seemed so happy together that I, at least, felt very shut out. I felt not important to him and that I caused him nothing but problems.

I felt like every time I really needed a dad, a father, all he did was throw some money at me and figure he did his job. A lot of the time I didn’t want money. I just wanted a hug or to feel validated that my life was worth something. He was a hard taskmaster and set very high standards for all of us kids. I couldn’t talk to him about what was important to me or what was going on in my life. I became very good at hiding emotions and my real life with him.

Funny how time changes things. When my stepmother was diagnosed with ALS in November 2007 so began one of the hardest years in my life and absolutely in my father’s life. He was the primary caregiver as she began to lose the use of her body. First her ability to smell and taste. She soon had a feeding tube and we both learned how to feed her. We also had to give her meds through the tube. She then lost her ability to breathe properly and was fitted with a breathing machine. Slowly she lost the ability to move, talk, and walk and was using cards to point to what she wanted. We purchased a white board for her to communicate. It was sad and hard on all of us. She died at home in February 2009.

Through it all my father’s devotion and care of her was amazing. He wouldn’t leave the house for weeks at a time because she was afraid to be without him. But, just as it happened with me, his health suffered. Every ounce of energy and time was consumed with taking care of her. The three of us would spend long days talking about the future and planning for after she passed. I learned more about my parents and their relationship in that year than I did in all of the 40 years they were together.

And I have to tell you, when you change a parent’s bedpan, feed them through a tube, caress them as you rub lotion on them, and learn more about their bodies and bodily functions then you ever ever imagined, it changes a relationship. As you start to trade places with them and they become the children and you the parent it changes your perspective.

Now when I call my dad on the phone his voice lights up when he hears that it’s me. That makes me feel good. He gets so excited about planning the Sunday dinners and is always anxious that there are leftovers for one night during the week. Especially now that he has mastered the art of the microwave. We can talk about anything. There are really no barriers any longer. Yes, he still drives me crazy. He can’t hear out of one ear so if you try to talk to him while he is walking he makes you wait until he sits down so that he can understand what you say. Or when you ask him a question he always responds with “I don’t know?” Or the fact that I will never live up to the way my stepmom did things. It is always, “Shirley always made that decision.” Or when you cook he is grateful but there is always the comment, “Well, it’s not exactly like Shirley’s…”. But I do the best I can and try to remain as calm and cheerful as possible.

But I also wonder, what happened to the decisive businessman who always had his views firmly planted in his Republican righteousness? What happened to my tall handsome father who now walks with a cane or walker (that is, if no one is watching because he doesn’t want anyone to realize he is old)? And when did his hair get so white? He is still a big flirt but if a woman looked at him seriously he would run for cover! And all he wants is another wife to cook for him, watch Wheel of Fortune with him, and snuggle with him at night. Is that so much to ask?

I’m so grateful for the past two years with him and the last year with my stepmother even though it was so difficult. It gave me a whole new appreciation for the life they had together and a new bond with my father. It helped clarify for me what kind of partner I would like to meet and spend the rest of my days with. Out of tragedy came great respect and love. And I think that goes both ways with us. Joylicious~