When I was a sophomore in high school we had to take Physical Education as a required class. I was never very good at it as I have always been uncoordinated and have never really enjoyed or understood why people willingly want to exercise.
One day we were told to suit up and head to the gym. We wore these horrible short navy blue jumpsuits. When we got there we were assembled in a line and one at a time asked to step on a scale and get weighed in front of the entire class. It was and still is one of the most humiliating experiences and memories of my life. I got on the scale and weighed 135. I was the 2nd to heaviest girl in the class and the heaviest girl was truly heavy! My self-esteem had never really been good but this was terrible!
The whispers and snickering of the other girls. The sideways looks of pity. I was devastated. I had always been self-conscious when shopping with my friends anyway as they all wore sizes 2, 4, 6. I was very curvy and, at 5’5”, wore a size 11 and had to shop in the women’s department while they all chose clothes from the junior department! What I would give to weigh 135 now! And I haven’t seen that size since I was 20 years old!
I think it was so cruel of my school to do that to us girls. Even some of the thin girls were humiliated. I had always felt not good enough anyway as my mother was beautiful and a petite size 7 and 5’2”. I can still hear those whispers and laughter in my head to this day.
When I was 21 I gave birth to my daughter. I gained 70 lbs during my pregnancy that I have never taken off. But how long can you claim, “it’s the baby weight” when your daughter is 35?
Next week I’m going to start a new diet. I really hate that word. Think about it. The first three letters are D-I-E. That can’t be good. I’m so tired of feeling like I’m depriving myself all the time and see my weight creep up and up. I will be working with my naturopath and I want to call it a new lifestyle. Changing my metabolism. I’m reading the new book Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. I’m trying to change what’s in my head too. The negative self-talk messages that make me fat. That voice that tells me I’m not good enough to be thin and beautiful. I know I can do this. I want to take off this weight for the last time in my life and be healthy so that I can live to a ripe old age.
I will be exploring some of these feelings in the coming weeks. I know that there is a beautiful, joylicious woman in there! And I’m going to find her!! I hope you join my journey!